What is a State of The Union Meeting and How can it help your Relationship?

The State of the Union serves as an opportunity to reflect on your relationship, addressing both the positive aspects and areas for improvement. In my experience with couples, I often notice that issues accumulate over time, leading to significant arguments or emotional distance. Engaging in a State of the Union conversation can help maintain connection and engagement in a world filled with distractions.

So, what does this conversation entail? The State of the Union consists of four essential components:

• Express five appreciations for each other

  
  

  Begin the meeting by taking turns to share five things you appreciated about your partner in the past week. Highlight what these positive traits reveal about them. For instance, you might say, “I appreciate how considerate you were when you picked up the clothes from the dry cleaners while I was short on time.”

• Discuss what is going well in the relationship

  
  

  Next, take a moment to reflect on what is functioning effectively, improving, or thriving within your relationship. For example, if you navigated a family challenge together successfully or managed to plan and enjoy a date night, acknowledge those efforts. Recognizing the work both of you put into the relationship fosters motivation to continue.

• Choose an issue to address or discuss any regrettable events

  At this stage, share any concerns from the past week. Conflict is a natural and necessary part of any relationship, and when approached constructively, it can enhance your connection. To achieve this, you must attune to each other.

• To help with attunement, Dr. John Gottman provides an easy-to-remember acronym for these conversations:

• A - Awareness: Recognizing your partner's feelings and experiences

• T - Tolerance: Acknowledging that there are two valid perspectives for negative emotions

• T - Turning Toward: Responding to your partner's needs and turning toward them

• U - Understanding: Striving to grasp your partner’s feelings and viewpoint

• N - Non-defensive Listening: Listening openly without focusing on self-victimization or blame

• E - Empathy: Responding with sensitivity and understanding toward your partner's experiences and needs

• During this process, take turns being the Speaker and the Listener. As the Speaker, your goal is to express your feelings and needs without assigning blame or criticism. You can follow these guidelines for a softened start-up:

  • I feel… (share your emotions, such as worried, scared, sad, lonely, hurt, etc.)

  • …about what… (describe the situation that concerns you, avoiding blame towards your partner)

  • I need… (articulate your needs positively, focusing on what you want rather than what you dislike)

• An example could be: “I feel tired and overwhelmed from cooking every night this past week. I need us to come up with a plan for sharing the cooking or dining out more next week.”

• As the Listener, your role is to listen without defensiveness, ensuring your partner feels heard and understood.

• What can I do over this next week that will help you feel more loved?

  
  

  Conclude your State of the Union discussion by each sharing one action your partner can take to help you feel more connected in the upcoming week. Express your desires clearly, such as, “One thing that would help me feel more loved next week is if we cuddled in bed on Saturday morning.”

Regular weekly check-ins allow couples to feel heard, understood, and appreciated, preventing issues from escalating and providing space to practice problem-solving together.

The State of the Union is just one of many Gottman exercises designed to help manage conflict effectively.