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An affair is a difficult and painful experience for any couple. But this doesn’t need to spell the end for the relationship – around 53% of couples do survive after infidelity and many couples rebuild a stronger relationship.
So how do we define an affair?
An affair is a relationship outside the primary relationship or marriage, that poses a threat to this relationship. An affair can be emotional or sexual, ongoing or a one night stand.
Broken Trust
An affair can leave you feeling like a bomb has gone off in your relationship. It can leave partners feeling like their world has been turned upside down. The broken trust, the overwhelming emotions, and the gigantic sense of loss can feel too much. The first step towards recovering from an affair is learning to express and hear each others emotions, feeling remorse, and speaking truthfully with on another.
Healing Communication
Rebuilding your marriage or relationship post an affair requires a lot of communication. Both partners must be willing to listen to one another and to speak openly about their experience, emotions, and their hopes moving forward. In amongst all the devastating emotions this often proves difficult for at least one partner, if not both. This process demands demands vulnerability. Therapists & Counsellors often play a critical role during this phase, providing a safe space where each partner can navigate their emotions and work towards understanding one another’s perspectives.
Seeking Professional Help to Rebuild After an Affair
Seeking the guidance and support of an experienced relationship counsellor, therapist or coach can be hugely beneficial when working through the period after an affair. When choosing a coach, counsellor or therapist, look for evidence-based approaches, such as Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, or Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy. Those trained in these Couples Therapy Modalities are trained to help couples address the underlying issues that may have contributed to the affair. They will be able to provide you with tools to improve your communication, rebuild the trust between you, and they’ll be able to support you in developing strategies to reconnecting on a deeper level. While the process can be confronting and emotional, it's important to think of this as an investment into the future of the relationship.
Rebuilding Trust after an Affair
Trust is a pillar of any relationship, and recovering from an affair means needing to rebuild that trust day by day. Rebuilding trust involves being transparent with one another, each partner being accountable and for both partners to make a commitment to healing together. In all cases, it’s important that the partner who had an affair needs to take responsibility for their decision, is able to express remorse, and able to demonstrate through consistent changed behaviour that they are committed to rebuilding the trust.
New Beginnings
After an affair, many couples will find themselves faced with the question: Is it possible to fall in love again? The answer is a proven "yes”, with 73% of marriages being saved using Gottman Couples Therapy Method. The recovery process, whilst often challenging in itself, can lead to a re-discovery of love, intimacy, and connection. As a couple works together to mend their relationship, they are often able to uncover new understandings about one another and a new appreciation for each other.
By seeking professional guidance, prioritising open communication and investing in rebuilding trust - couples can not only heal from an affair, but in many cases create a stronger relationship with a renewed sense of love, commitment & intimacy.
Affair Recovery Counselling & Coaching
Recovering from an affair is specialised area where a relationship counsellor or coach should undergo specialised training. As a Relationship Coach & Counsellor, I have undergone specific training in order to support couples to repair after an infidelity. I offer tools and strategies to the couples I work alongside, to ensure they are able to continue to work through challenges together over time. I offer empathetic guidance and evidence-based interventions to support couples to rebuild trust and intimacy after an affair.
The Atone Phase - Re-establishing Trust
One of the main focuses of affair recovery counselling is the rebuilding of trust. Recognising that trust is a key part of the foundation of any successful relationship. By facilitating open and honest communication, partners learn to express their emotions, fears, and vulnerabilities, fostering a renewed sense of emotional security and safety within the relationship.
During this phase of affair recovery, couples explore what occurred, and the partner who took part in the affair is supported to offer complete transparency and to take responsibility. The partner who was betrayed is also supported to communicate the impact of the consequences for them in an effective way (i.e. resisting the urge for attack or contempt, but going directly to the depths of what their experience was). This is a delicate process and one that I have undertaken for many couples.
The Attune Phase - Strengthening Emotional Bonds
At the heart of affair recovery lies the restoration of emotional intimacy and connection. Our relationship counsellors guide couples through exercises designed to improve emotional responsiveness and deepen their emotional bonds. Through nurturing emotional attunement and learning to recognise and respond to each other's needs, partners can cultivate a stronger, more resilient connection that lays the groundwork for a healthier and more satisfying relationship.
The Attachment Phase - Building a Stronger Bond
In the journey of affair recovery, the attachment phase plays a pivotal role in solidifying the couple's emotional bond and creating a stronger foundation for the future.
During this phase, partners work together to create new shared experiences, rebuild intimacy, and establish a deeper sense of emotional connection. Through specialised affair recovery counselling, I walk alongside couples' through this phase, supporting each step of the way.
Recovery from Infidelity takes Time & Consistent Effort
Affair recovery is a challenging journey that demands specialised support and understanding. When you choose to work with me, I utilise the knowledge and expertise gained from training with the Gottman Institute's Affair Recovery Process. Empowering couples to heal & grow with a goal of the couple rediscovering a loving and secure relationship again after the pain of infidelity.
Taking Time to Understand
As a Relationship Coach and Couples Counsellor trained in Gottman Couples Method of Therapy - I begin the therapeutic process by getting to know you both, your individual history and your relationship history together. This process is called the ‘assessment phase’ and it involves an initial 90 minute meeting, followed by each of you individually completing a relationship assessment survey (this saves time by giving me a comprehensive overview of your relationship). Following this, I then meet with each of you individually for 30 minutes each. The individual session helps to ensure you are feeling fully understood, and what your individual hopes and goals are for the relationship, as the entire therapeutic process is based on helping meet the needs of both partners. Read more about the Gottman Process Here.
A Summary of the Gottman’s Trust Revival Method
If an affair has occurred, your relationship coach, therapist or counsellor will support you to map out the way forward. A proven process called Gottman’s Trust Revival Method is used by most Gottman Therapist’s. To summarise the steps above, there are three phases in affair recovery: Atone, Attune, and Attach, these are defined here:
Atone: There is usually a huge amount of pain after an affair, and the hurt partner needs to feel fully heard, and to have their pain recognised by their partner. It is difficult to rebuild trust if this step isn’t completed.
Attune: Most affairs occur in the context of one or both partners feeling disconnected. Sometimes this can be from one or both partner’s having avoided having conflict conversations. The research indicates most people who have an affair do not actually make a conscious decision to cheat; it is more a process of ‘sliding rather than deciding’ as one researcher put it. The attune phase brings clarity to what circumstances surrounded the betrayal and how the betrayal itself gradually came about. By attuning to the process, and to each another, partners are then able to begin to understand what happened, and will also be better equipped to ensure a betrayal doesn’t occur again.
Attach: Finally, the attach phase. This is where a couple begins to map out a way forward to rebuild the trust. This step cannot be rushed, rebuilding trust will take time and commitment. But by choosing the Gottman Method of Couples Therapy, you will be given the necessary tools and communication skills that you need to get through this phase.
I Will Help Guide You
I have enjoyed supporting other couples to work through the aftermath of an affair and to build an even stronger relationship. While the process is not easy, couples who are committed to healing together, can and do recover trust in one another.
Distance is no barrier to working together.
Sessions are available over zoom Monday to Friday.
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