Should I stay or Should I Go?

Should I stay or Should I go?

I can’t tell you the number of times I hear this question as a relationship coach...

I’ve had to face this question more than once in my own relationship of 25 years.

Truth is, no one else can tell you and it’s not going to be easy. There is always going to be a cost to staying and a cost to leaving.

Dr. Gottman emphasizes, “If you have strong evidence indicating that your relationship is beyond repair and you are ready to move forward, it's acceptable to let go.” I share this view. Even as a relationship coach.

Questions like this are common, more now than ever. There is a focus on social media not to accept less than you deserve, to set boundaries, to love yourself and to cut ties with ‘toxic people’. Many of these messages have the potential to take accountability away from ones self and focus on finger pointing and blame. Don’t get me wrong, there is value in these messages, but only when the message is considered within a balanced way.

For some, they will jump to another relationship, only to realise that the same issues are showing up.

For others, they may leave to ‘do the work’ on themselves, yet will still be heard years later blaming their ex. In many cases, ‘the work’ can more effectively take place within the container of the existing relationship, when both people are willing to be accountable, patient and compassionate with each other.

I hear tales of pain, betrayal, and confusion regularly. Yet, I also witness couples bounce back, rediscover themselves, and rejuvenate their relationships.

A couple I worked with recently, came to me seeking relationship counselling. They were separated, battling addictions, with only the hope that they might learn to communicate better in order to co-parent their children well. 7 months down the track, their relationship is stronger and more fulfilling than it has ever been, and each of them as individuals are both healthier and more self aware. Their family is blossoming and they have navigated huge life changes like moving to a new country! I share this story, because it’s a prime example of how things can be turned around even when it seems like there’s no hope.

If things have gotten to the point in your relationship where you are asking yourself the question “Should I stay or should I leave?”. Just know, that no matter which option you choose, there will be a journey ahead where you’ll need to look inwards and accept where you are.

If you choose to stay and do all you can to repair and rejuvenate your relationship, you need to treat it as a marathon and not as a sprint.

Small changes over time add up.